Four Things to Understand Before You Decide to Change Your Life
Have you ever had the experience of watching a group of people get so excited as they make plans to take a trip together and share a wonderful experience, and then they all come back with different stories about how the trip went?
One person comes home talking about the beautiful scenery, the wonderful meals, and everything they enjoyed along the way, feeling refreshed.
Another person is still focused on the delayed flight, the hotel problem, and the day it rained, feeling irritated and disappointed.
And someone else comes home mostly grateful for the break from the day-to-day routine, remembering the freedom of being somewhere different and feeling renewed.
Same trip. Same destination. Same environment. Completely different impressions.
1. Perception is Projection
2. Cause > Effect
3. Mind / Emotion / Energy / Body
4. Responsibility for Change
Perception is Projection
That’s the thing about perception.
We all think we're walking around in the same world and having the same experience, but we're not.
At any given second, there’s way too much happening around us for us to take in all of it, so our minds have to sort through it somehow. We notice some things, miss other things, and make meaning out of the few parts we do notice.
In NLP, we talk about that in terms of deletion, distortion, and generalization. That sounds more complicated than it is. It really just means that none of us gets the whole picture. We each get our own version of it. None of us has all of the puzzle pieces.
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, the psychologist who wrote Flow, talked about the limits of conscious attention. His estimate was that we can consciously process only about 126 bits of information per second.
Current estimates are that about 2 million bits of information pass by us every second. But we're only able to consciously process 126 bits -- and that's on a good day, when we're not preoccupied and under stress.
So even though we may feel like we're fully aware of what's happening around us, we're really only catching a very small part of it.
And then we make meaning out of that small part.
The reason this is important is because once we start treating our little piece of the puzzle as though it's the whole picture, and we can become very certain about things that may not be quite the way we think they are.
Deletion
Deletion is exactly what it sounds like. We leave things out.
Like when we're driving down the street looking for an address, and we don't notice the little kids playing ball in the front yard. We may not even hear what the person sitting next to us just said.
And sometimes we delete things on purpose.
You know what it's like when you're trying to concentrate on where you're going, but suddenly the music seems too loud, so you turn it down. The music wasn't interfering with your eyesight, but it was overloading your senses.
What you're really doing is reducing some of the information coming in so you can pay more attention to the part that matters most in that moment.
Distortion
Distortion is what happens when we take the information we did notice and start deciding what it means.
Suppose someone doesn't return your phone call.
That's the event.
But almost immediately, we start filling in the blanks: “They're upset with me.” “I must have done something wrong.” “I'm not important to them.”
Or maybe: “They're busy right now. They'll call me when they get a chance.”
Same unanswered call.
What actually happened hasn't changed, but the meaning we gave it changed the experience completely.
And most of the time, we don't even notice the moment when we stopped dealing with what happened and started dealing with what we decided it meant.
Generalization
Generalization is what happens when we take one experience, or maybe a few experiences, and turn them into a rule.
And generalization itself is not a bad thing. It can be useful.
If you know how to drive a Mercedes, you probably know how to drive a BMW. You don’t have to relearn the whole concept of driving every time you get into a different car.
If you know how to open one door, you can usually figure out how to open another one.
That kind of generalization makes life possible and easy.
The trouble starts when we take a few experiences and create a rule that is much bigger than the evidence.
One relationship goes badly and now, “Relationships never work out for me.”
You make one bad business decision and suddenly, “I’m terrible with money.”
A few people let you down and it becomes, “People can’t be trusted.”
And sometimes the rule becomes part of how we describe ourselves: “I’m just not good at that.” “I’ve always been this way.” “This is just who I am and I'll never be able to make a difference in life.”
We do the same thing with other people and with groups of people.
“That political party always wastes money.”
“People like that never listen.”
“Men always avoid talking about their feelings.”
“Women never say what they really mean.”
The original experience may have been real. The problem is that we’ve taken what happened in one place, at one time, under one set of circumstances, and turned it into a rule that starts following us everywhere.
So by the time we've deleted most of what was available, distorted some of what we did notice, and generalized from the rest, we're no longer dealing with the whole event.
We're dealing with our version of it.
That doesn't mean we made it up.
It means our experience has already been filtered before we ever decide what it means.
And that filtered experience is what we respond to instead of the actual situation.
That’s why two people can go through the same event and come away with completely different stories about what happened.
Once we’ve filtered what happened, we create an internal representation of it.
That just means we make our own internal picture of what happened. In our minds, maybe we recall a picture or a sound or how we felt -- and probably a combination.
We remember certain parts, leave other parts out, attach meaning to what we noticed, and then respond to that version.
And then we start giving things names.
“This is rejection.”
“This is failure.”
“This is disrespect.”
“This is proof that I’m not good enough.”
Labels are useful because they help us organize experience, but they can also box us in.
As soon as we give something a label, we start seeing it through that label.
If we call something "failure," we're probably going to notice different things than we would if we called the same experience "feedback" or "information."
The event may not have changed at all.
But the label changes what we notice, what we feel, and what we do next.
You can already see how these ideas are useful.
If the meaning we give an experience affects what we notice next, what we feel next, and what we do next, then we have more influence over our life than we may have realized.
The internal representation we create also affects our state of mind -- disillusionment, self-worth, trust, hope, excitement, and so on -- and our state affects how we respond.
The moment we recognize that we are participating in the way we interpret and respond to what happens, we have choices.
And that brings us to the next idea:
Empowerment: Cause > Effect
At Cause, we look at what we can do.
At Effect, we look at all the reasons we can’t.
Both sides can have facts and explanations.
The difference is that remaining on the Effect side of the equation leaves you stuck with no options, while moving to the Cause side of the equation leads to empowerment and somewhere to go.
Being at Cause does not mean pretending that difficult things do not happen.
They do.
People disappoint us. Plans fall apart. We make mistakes. Other people make mistakes. Sometimes circumstances really are unfair.
The question is what we do next.
At Effect, the focus stays on everything outside of us, or even on limiting beliefs we have about ourselves:
“I can’t because of what happened.”
“I can’t because of what they did.”
“I can’t because I don’t have enough time.”
“I can’t because I don’t have enough money.”
“I can’t because this is just how things are.”
“I can’t because that’s just who I am.”
But those explanations are not helpful because they become reasons and excuses for not creating change.
At Cause, we ask different questions:
“What can I do from here?”
“What part of this can I influence?”
“How might I be contributing to this situation?”
“Is there some secondary gain that I haven’t noticed that’s keeping me from changing?”
“What result do I actually want?”
That is the shift.
At Effect, the explanation can become the end of the story.
At Cause, the explanation becomes information.
You may not have chosen what happened.
You may not like what happened.
You may not even think it should have happened.
But if you can find the parts that you are in control of -- your choices, your response, your next move -- then you have somewhere to go.
To be clear, being at Cause does not mean a situation is your fault. You didn’t create a stock market crash or a hurricane or any other disaster. You are not "responsible" for those things.
Being at Cause means you’re ready to take responsibility for how you respond.
That is why Cause > Effect is such a powerful model.
The more of your ability to create a result you place outside yourself, the fewer options you see; the more responsibility you take for your own response, the more choices become available.
Mind • Emotions • Energy • Body
Your mind, emotions, energy, and physical body are not having four separate experiences. That idea of separation came later.
René Descartes is famous for “I think, therefore I am,” and his philosophy helped reinforce the idea that the thinking mind could be considered separately from the physical body. Over time, Western science became increasingly good at dividing things into parts so they could be studied, measured, and understood.
That was useful.
But a person is still one whole system.
Mind, emotion, energy, and body are all part of the same system. What you think and feel changes your physiology and your energy, and changes in your body and energy change the way you think, feel, and respond.
You've seen this happen in real time.
You get bad news and your stomach drops. Your body releases stress hormones, your breathing changes, and your muscles tense.
And at the same time maybe you feel embarrassed and your face gets hot.
Or you become frightened and your heart starts beating faster before you have had time to reason your way through what's going on.
But it works in the other direction, too.
You see someone you love and your whole face brightens up before you even think about it.
You hear great music and right away you're breathing and moving differently and probably even smiling already. Your physiology has changed.
You accomplish something you have been working toward for a long time and you feel lighter, taller, more energized.
Someone tells you something that gives you hope and your entire state can change in a matter of seconds.
A good laugh changes everything.
None of those things is happening separately.
We are one being experiencing life on different levels.
The presenting problem may not be the whole problem.
Someone may come to me saying the problem is weight, money, procrastination, a relationship, or not knowing what direction to take in life.
That may be the problem they can see, but it's likely not the whole problem.
Sometimes what is showing up on the surface is being supported by an old emotional response, a limiting belief, or a pattern that has been running in the background for a long time.
That is why I am interested in what is happening underneath the presenting problem.
If someone says, “I know what I want, but I can’t make myself do it,” it's not going to be helpful to talk about yet another productivity system.
I want to know what is actually getting in the way.
More specifically, I want to know what strategy or pattern they’re running.
We run plenty of patterns unconsciously, and that's usually helpful. Once we've learned a skill, there's no need to consciously think about every little step.
Running patterns unconsciously doesn't mean something is wrong with us. It means the unconscious mind is doing its job -- trying to help us function, protect us, and keep things moving.
Sometimes that means an old emotional experience gets pushed out of the way so we can get through the day.
But pushed out of the way is not the same as gone.
And eventually, what has not been resolved has a way of showing back up.
That can happen as an emotional reaction that seems bigger than the moment and out of proportion to the circumstance.
It can show up as a limiting belief, a familiar pattern, or the feeling that we keep ending up in the same place no matter how much we try to change.
That's why just understanding a problem intellectually doesn't necessarily solve the problem.
At some point, we also have to be willing to do something different with what has been running underneath it.
Responsibility for Change
There is one more thing I'd like you to understand before we work together.
I can teach you. I can guide you. I can challenge you. I can help you recognize patterns you haven't seen on your own.
But I cannot want change more than you do.
If someone doesn't actually want to change on the inside, or wants the result without being willing to participate in the process, there's not much any coach can do with that.
Change requires participation.
And for the kind of work I do, there are four things that need to happen, and they need to happen in this order.
1. Release negative emotions and limiting beliefs
Baggage can be spiritual, mental, emotional, or physical. Maybe there's guilt or self-doubt or anger or a body that's constantly tense.
People keep responding to new situations by running the same old patterns so the same results keep cycling.
Old baggage and limiting beliefs can keep a person reacting to the present through patterns and filters that developed a long, long time ago.
If that material is still running in the background, it can keep influencing what you notice, what you feel, what you expect, and what you do.
We will clean up all of that before Step 2.
2. Know your outcome
A lot of people know a whole lot more about what they don't want than they know about what they do want.
They say things like:
“I don’t want to feel this way anymore.”
“I don’t want to be stuck.”
“I don’t want to keep doing this.”
That tells us what they want to move away from.
What we care about is what you're moving toward.
Once the old baggage is cleared, that's when you're finally able to see clearly and know what you actually do want.
Before clearing baggage, a person might have said, “I don't want a relationship with a lot of conflict and arguing,” and after releasing baggage, that same person might say, “I do want a relationship where my partner loves and respects me no matter what and we have a ton of fun and laugh all of the time.”
3. Take meaningful action
You have to do something.
Insight matters. Understanding matters. Releasing old emotional material matters.
But until you take meaningful action to move forward in the direction you say you want, there's nothing new. This is not busywork. This is action that actually moves you down the path and gets you closer to what you truly desire.
4. Maintain focus
Creating a plan is one thing, and keeping your focused is imperative. Old negative emotions have been released, you've set your outcome and taken the first few steps.
Now you want to keep going. That's why you follow a breakthrough session with coaching -- to stay on track and keep your eye on the prize.
Yes, obstacles and distractions will present themselves, but you'll have new strategies that keep you moving toward what you want.
Four Requisites for Change
It's been said before that there are four requisites for change -- not three, not two, not one. Four.
1. Release negative emotions and limiting beliefs. Clear
out what wasn't working.
2. Know what you want.
3. Take meaningful action.
4. Maintain focus.
At this point, change is what you're creating instead of something you were waiting for.
Questions People Ask
Some people have asked me, “Does clearing negative emotions mean I will never feel angry or sad again?”
No. You’re still going to have emotions. There are times in life when it's appropriate to experience anger or sadness or fear.
The difference is that after clearing old baggage, the emotion will be proportionate to what is actually happening in front of you, instead of being amplified by years of old accumulated emotions that had nothing to do with the present moment.
If I release negative emotions, will I suddenly feel happy all the time?
No.
Clearing out old negative emotions creates space. It doesn't automatically fill your life with love, joy, peace, excitement, or happiness. It's on you to create new experiences in your life where you can feel love, joy, peace, excitement, happiness, and all of the other positive emotions. This is part of knowing your outcome and maintaining focus.
This is part of taking meaningful action. This is your opportunity to build a life that actually contains the relationships, experiences, work, connection, meaning, fun, and all of the other things that matter to you.
That is one of the reasons the four requisites matter.
Releasing old baggage is Step 1, not the whole process.
Where Do You Go From Here?
Thinking back to the people who took the same trip together and came home with completely different impressions of what happened, now you know what was going on.
Yes, it was the same destination and the same environment.
What was different was how each person filtered the experiences - what each person noticed, what they made it mean, and the states they felt along the way.
And really, that's what we've been talking about this whole time.
We don't consciously absorb everything that's happening around us. We filter and we interpret and we make meaning.
We develop beliefs and patterns, and sometimes we carry old experiences forward for years without a clue how much they're influencing our perceptions.
Once you begin to recognize these patterns, you have choices.
You can clear out the old baggage that has been affecting the way you experience what's happening now.
You can figure out what you actually want instead.
You can take meaningful action toward it.
And then you can keep your focus long enough to actually get somewhere.
These are not just four interesting ideas to understand.
They're the beginning of creating a different experience of your life.
Ready to Talk About What's Next?
If you've been reading this and recognizing some of your own patterns, that's probably a good place to begin.
You don't have to know exactly what the problem is before we talk.
You may know exactly what you want to change.
Or you may just know that something isn't working and you're tired of going around the same circle.
If you could have figured it out on your own, you probably would have already.
Whatever you think the problem is, that's where we'll start.
A Coaching Consultation gives us 30 minutes to talk about what's happening, what you want instead, and whether the kind of work I do makes sense for you.
This is not a session where I hand you a generic plan or give you another list of things you should be doing.
It's a conversation about where you are, what's really getting in the way, and whether I can help you get where you want to go.
If you’re ready, we can start there.